Protect and Defend
by SuperMegaFoxyAwesomeHot
Summary: Crack ficlet: Kurt and Blaine own nine really weird cats - Thor, Loki, Tony, Steve, Bucky, Natasha, Clint, Nick, and Bruce. Why do they always disappear when aliens attack the city, though?


**So after my fluffy cat fic the other day, I got a request to do a crack fic where Klaine own the cat!Avengers, and I _could not say no to that._**

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Kurt wasn't sure why exactly he felt this way, but he was pretty sure his and Blaine's cats were _not normal._

For one, were there any other households on the planet where nine cats lived in almost total harmony? (Well, eight cats usually did. Loki was kind of a sociopath.) And for two, they never got in the way when the villain of the week tried to destroy NYC. Rachel's puppy had to be sedated whenever the rubble started pouring down, but Kurt and Blaine's cats just disappeared. The first couple times it happened, the boys were worried sick, but since they all came home again afterwards, only a little banged-up from random wear-and-tear, the boys stopped fighting it and just let their cats roam.

"Blaine, have you seen Clint anywhere?" Kurt called out one morning. Aliens had attacked the day before, so everything was still a little out of place in the Anderson-Hummel loft.

"Have you checked on top of the cabinets? What about the drapes?" Blaine responded, pouring himself a cup of coffee. "I take it he's not playing with that kitty archery set we got him."

"It's in his nest, but he's not," Kurt said, getting his own drink and plopping down next to Blaine at the kitchen table. "I swear, if people found out how often our cats just disappear on us, they'd probably report us to the ASPCA."

"Yeah, Steve and Bucky are still missing, too. And Nat, of course, but she'll come out whenever she feels like it," Blaine said, shrugging. Their only female cat was rarely seen around the house, but she could be counted on to appear whenever she was hungry or felt like messing with one of the boys.

"Shit, please tell me Steve and Bucky didn't fall into the freezer again," Kurt said, panicking. The last time they'd fallen in there, Bucky had somehow lost a leg.

"I'll check, you finish your coffee. I know Thor cannonballing around the house last night during that storm kept you up," Blaine said.

"And Loki chasing him around and yowling the whole time didn't help," Kurt said, slugging down another sip of coffee. "I swear, that cat never behaves. And he's disappeared again, too."

"Well, I found two of our delinquents, at least," Blaine said, pulling out a handsome blond tomcat and his shaggy, somewhat crazy-eyed, dark-furred buddy. "Boys. What have Papa and I told you about staying out of the freezer?"

The cats both meowed pitifully before slinking off, probably to go play-fight somewhere. Kurt wasn't sure how they could be so close and yet fight like they hated each other, but then again, he himself was friends with Rachel, wasn't he?

"Why did we take in nine cats again, B?" Kurt asked before yawning.

"Well, Tony needed that plate put into his chest, and Nick's missing an eye," Blaine said, taking a sip. "And Thor just seemed to find us during that storm, and he dragged Loki in by the scruff of his neck. Steve and Bucky were both too old to attract anyone else, and Clint and Natasha wouldn't go anywhere without the other. And Bruce needed all that special training so he'd stop puffing up to three times his size whenever he got scared."

"We're like the foster home for the world's weirdest cats," Kurt said. "Next we'll probably find one who can _fly _or something."

Just then, Nat burst into the room with her usual impeccable timing, running like a bat out of hell. When she noticed that Tony was still asleep in his cat bed, she slunk over to him silently and launched herself on top of him, startling him awake. As he growled and flailed, she flipped away and onto the couch, where she vibrated with what Kurt swore was kitty laughter.

"Our cats are idiots, but at least they're cute idiots," Kurt said, laughing so hard he nearly cried. Tony had gotten himself stuck between the wall and his bed, and was mewling pathetically, probably hoping someone would free him.

Blaine got up and took pity on Tony as Nat wandered over to Kurt, hopping into his lap and purring in satisfaction. She knew that Kurt thought her antics were hilarious, while Blaine was always afraid she might actually hurt one of the boys someday.

"Hey, babe-" Blaine cut himself off as the sirens began to wail, signaling another attack was imminent. The boys ran for their bathroom, which was on an inside wall and windowless, perfectly safe from attacks. They gathered up snacks and electronics on the way, well versed in what was necessary to get through a day like this, and let the cats scatter, knowing none of them would follow.

"I really hope our cats stay safe," Kurt said once they were alone.

"They'll be fine," Blaine said, turning up the radio so they could hear any emergency instructions that might come along.

Meanwhile, the cats were exiting the apartment, wandering in a tight formation down to the secluded alleyway behind the building.

"I really hope Kurt and Blaine stay safe," Steve said once he was back in his normal, human form. "They're nice boys, and their wedding's coming up!"

"They'll be fine," Natasha responded, checking her guns one last time. "They've got us protecting them, don't they?"


End file.
